Everyone is locked inside their homes. Maybe locked is too strong of a word. The shelter-in-order; however, does create a blurred line of distinction between freedom and control. They tell us it is for our own good. They tell us it is for the good of the country. They tell us we are saving lives. I am not so sure. To be one hundred percent sure, I would need to believe in an invisible attacker, a lying President, and a media that has become suspect. Believing in all of that is not the easiest thing to do for a mind that has always struggled with blind faith. However, I am rational and of course there is a virus, so I participate. At the end of the day, for now, it’s best to be overly cautious and remain inside than to not heed the warnings and possibly die.

At times I find myself contorting my mind to see what’s around the corner but I am nearsighted and it is very dark. I scour the internet for signs of light, a tricky thing requiring forensic skill to discern reliability. I only get so close to a feeble assurance that this is mere happenstance and life will return to normal sometime soon. In the meantime, my husband’s vision is 20/20. He plucks soundbites from the 24-hour news cycle, examines them, places them in an order attuned to his suspicious sensibilities, and weaves a narrative that suits his soul. It is a gift to which I say bless his heart. I envy his ability to ground himself in something other than uncertainty.

Uncertainty has always been my home. Developing a definitive from the comfort of a recliner makes me nervous. The unknown variables matter. An unknown variable can turn an assessment in the complete opposite direction. That, coupled with the fact that information openly chatted about is information that is purposefully allowed to be chatted about. I’ve watched Rachel Maddow spill the beans on the Russians in such profound ways and I wonder who’s protecting her. Surely Putin must have people at the ready to slip something into her coffee. But this isn’t the movies, right? I understand that I’m exposing my unduly citizen mind. The one that would lead me to say, who would have thought such a thing could happen in this country. Actually, I’m not quite that bad. There are ugly places that my mind just doesn’t want to go though. My world is made up of the desire to have just enough to provide for my family and to live comfortably without threat, so I evade the worlds that orbit about my person and within my mind.

I caution myself to take the upcoming weeks, or months, one day at a time. I remind myself to be present each time I drift off and become unable to hear anything beyond the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Some days it’s as if I’ve crossed over into another realm without even knowing it. A realm that keeps me from embracing a beloved friend I happened to see on my once a week run to Costco. All we could do was shake our heads in apology for the absence of an embrace and give an awkward wave from six feet away.

To save myself, breath and patience have become my anchoring forces. They tether me to the world I knew. The world where my mind was free to not only think about going outside the walls of my home but, with a soft psshh through my teeth, making the adventure so. I intend to return, someday.