Posted in Poetry

The truth is

I am not allowed
to split you open
climb inside you to
learn your secrets

I must maddeningly deduce
Negotiate with sensitivities
Navigate around trigger lines

My skin — camouflage
My hair — bush
My eyes — ink
My mouth — contort

I talk to myself out loud
so that my heart knows it’s me — not
some mad woman caught
in the wilderness of a lover’s secrets.

Posted in Creative Writing - Fiction

Assignment #4

This is my latest assignment for my Coursera.com Creative Writing course. Feel free to answer the two questions at the end and to offer any insight you may have that may be helpful in my journey toward being an effective writer.

These are the instructions:

Write a story (up to 1,000 words) following the ABDCE structure that includes at least one full scene. Also, your story should have at least TEN sentences of rising action.

After your story, along with your submission, ask two specific questions of your readers. Think back to the 21-point checklist. Within the time and logistic constraints of Coursera, we can’t follow all the best practices of writing and revision, but as you work through your assignments and especially as you write beyond these courses, keep them in mind.

Example questions you can ask your readers could be: “What did you think of my main character’s actions?” Or : “Were there any parts that seemed confusing or hard to follow?”

As you end this course with your reader feedback, process it and see if it makes sense. Consider the feedback as you move through other courses in the Specialization, and your writing in general.

________________________________________

Chance Waits for Floyd

Chance sat at the kitchen table fingering the papers that lay in front of her. As her fingers pushed them back and forth, she listened intently to the quiet of the house. She tried to bring that quiet into the middle of her stomach which insisted on flaring as if she swallowed a smoldering fourth of July sparkler. There was only a faint echo of the children who would be sitting at the table eating dinner right now.

Dr. Vance, her therapist, recommended a paralegal service who handled the divorce papers. They called that afternoon to inform her that the divorce papers were ready. On her way to their office, she called her mom, Ruth, and asked if she could drop the children at her house after they came home from school. Ruth was more than happy to care for the children, but she was also worried about what could happen when Chance confronted Floyd with those papers.

As Chance hugged her children goodbye, Ruth asked, “Do you want your brother to come with you honey?”

Chance directed the children into the living room, and said, “No mama. I’ll be fine.” She instantly wondered if that was true. She noticed that there was a steadiness about her resolve that she hadn’t felt for a long time. At that moment, she honestly believed she would, in fact, be fine. She carried that feeling to the car as if it were a broken limb. A part of her that had been fractured long ago when Floyd hurled his first assault against her young and brittle constitution.

Floyd was 17 years her senior. But she didn’t learn that until six months after they met at the Paladium. The Paladium was the new club her friend Diane had been dying to check out. Since it was Chance’s 22nd birthday, Diane’s gift to her was a Saturday night out at the club.

They were stopped at the door by Floyd who examined her photo closely and looked back at her with a perplexed look. “This isn’t you?” He said. Chance was confused, she wasn’t accustomed to being flirted with.

“Tell me fast, when’s your birthday?” Floyd demanded. Before she could respond, he repeated the command, “Fast, when’s your birthday”?

“April 3rd, 1969” she stammered.

Diane interrupted, “Dude, you can clearly see it’s her. Here’s our money. Let us in.”

Floyd held her  gaze for a moment and said “You’re gonna be good?”

She gave him a quizzical look, then shot back, “Maybe.”

Floyd opened the door and the ladies went through.

They found two seats at the bar and ordered two Long Island Iced Teas before a guy slid up next to Diane and asked her to dance. Diane rushed off to the dance floor, leaving Chance at the bar looking after her drink.

She accepted long ago that she wasn’t exactly the type of girl men fell over themselves for. She was somewhat average looking, and on a few occasions had been flat out called ugly. She never knew how she’d be taken so she proceeded with caution around people, especially men.

Alcohol did loosen her up though. She was halfway through her Long Island when Floyd walked up to the bar beside her and ordered an orange juice.

She said, “You don’t drink or something?”

Floyd shook his head, “Naw, I don’t drink and you shouldn’t either.”

“This Long Island Ice Tea is pretty good though.” Chance said, taking another sip.

“You just be careful with that sister. I wouldn’t want to see something happen to you behind alcohol.”

“Ok, Orange Juice.” She said.

“My name is actually Floyd.” He offered her his hand and she shook it.

“So Floyd, I’m Chance.” She said

Floyd cocked his head and said “I remember. I also remember your birthday was earlier this week. Just like mine. You turned, 22 and I turned 28.”

That was the first lie. Her mother told her once, “A relationship that starts out with a lie will end with a lie.” That turned out to be gospel.

They went out for a few months, before Chance introduced him to her family. It was Chance’s brother who brought up the question of Floyd’s age. “Have you checked that dude’s driver’s license, sis? 28 year-old brothers don’t wear shoes like that.”

She had never given it a thought all of this time, but she realized that Ralph had a point. The next time he picked her up for dinner, she noticed other things about him that didn’t seem to fit with men closer to her age. His word choices, the way he seemed to covet her, it was all something indicative of someone much older.

When she questioned him about his age, he became evasive. She pressed him and asked to see his driver’s license. He eventually relented, but not before saying, “I’m really scared to show you. The only reason I didn’t want to tell you the truth is because I was scared that you wouldn’t want to see me. You have to know that what we have together, age shouldn’t be a factor.”

Chance began to feel really afraid. She wondered if he was 50. She knew she couldn’t be involved with someone fifty years old. As it turned out, Floyd was 38 rather than 28 and not only had he shaved 10 years off of his age, he shaved 10 years off of his life in general, including the children he had left in Atlanta.

In twelve years, she had allowed herself to be overtaken by an emotional paralysis caused by the need to constantly discerning truth from lies, and the responsibility of decisions rooted solely in her own peace and happiness. Since Floyd ministered to her that a woman’s value resided only in the happiness of her husband, she sought other council. As she sat at the table, awaiting his arrival, she repeated the four words Dr. Vance casually offered up that gave her clarity and will: “You owe him nothing.”

_______________________

Question 1: Is the scene cohesive? Does it logically move in and out of the past and present?

Question 2: Does the dialogue and sentence flow naturally throughout?

Posted in Parenting, Social Commentary, Uncategorized

I Don’t Want White People to Apologize

In the wake of recent media traction of the two-month old murder of Ahmaud Arbery, I shared a Facebook post by speaker and author, Sharon Jamison from May 7th, 2020, where she asserted:

I don’t want white people to apologize. I want them to use their privilege to help dismantle a system that kills black people.

After posting it, I received a message from a dear friend who’s white. She asked exactly what it is that she’s expected to do? I didn’t consider the motivation behind her question because her feelings for having the question are rightfully her own and an analysis of that wasn’t really required for me to give her my thoughts on the matter. I took on the role of messenger which is something I’m getting really good at as I navigate parenting 20 somethings. When my children come to me with a question or a need for input on a choice they intend to make, I succinctly offer my truth as I see it and move on with my day.

In that regard, I offered my friend this:

  • Acknowledge that racism exists.
  • Fully understand the impact of it on nonwhite people.
  • Challenge your assumptions and motivations when forming an opinion on social issues involving black people.
  • Ask questions and be willing to accept the validity of another’s perspective from a lived experience that is not your own.
  • Champion causes that are designed to facilitate equity in opportunity. Conscious and unconscious biases are at work that make this very necessary.
  • Tell your uncle Bob, your co-worker Karen, your supervisor Tom, your husband Josh, to shut the fuck up when they go on about “them niggers…”

I am resolute in my understand of how pervasive racism is. Those who made it their business to construct the institution were very thorough in weaving their virus-like ideology in with our natural human instincts, the latter being the same no matter what racial category we are placed in. They are woven so tightly that unwinding them seems impossible.

At this point, I seriously question the possibility of all of us living totally free from the sick mindset that avails itself upon us, generation after generation. Down every street we jog, in every park where our children play , in every coffee shop we enter, on every road we drive, the evil of racism lurks. It’s either a simmering boil or boiling over scalding everyone in its path.

My heart goes out to Ms. Wanda Cooper, Ahmaud’s mother, and the rest of his family. I suspect I will compose other writings motivated by similar events and my heart is heavy. I’m going to text my two sons now, to make sure they are okay.

Image used courtesy of https://unsplash.com/@thirdworldhippy

Posted in Uncategorized

Covid Days Musings Part 1

Everyone is locked inside their homes. Maybe locked is too strong of a word. The shelter-in-order; however, does create a blurred line of distinction between freedom and control. They tell us it is for our own good. They tell us it is for the good of the country. They tell us we are saving lives. I am not so sure. To be one hundred percent sure, I would need to believe in an invisible attacker, a lying President, and a media that has become suspect. Believing in all of that is not the easiest thing to do for a mind that has always struggled with blind faith. However, I am rational and of course there is a virus, so I participate. At the end of the day, for now, it’s best to be overly cautious and remain inside than to not heed the warnings and possibly die.

At times I find myself contorting my mind to see what’s around the corner but I am nearsighted and it is very dark. I scour the internet for signs of light, a tricky thing requiring forensic skill to discern reliability. I only get so close to a feeble assurance that this is mere happenstance and life will return to normal sometime soon. In the meantime, my husband’s vision is 20/20. He plucks soundbites from the 24-hour news cycle, examines them, places them in an order attuned to his suspicious sensibilities, and weaves a narrative that suits his soul. It is a gift to which I say bless his heart. I envy his ability to ground himself in something other than uncertainty.

Uncertainty has always been my home. Developing a definitive from the comfort of a recliner makes me nervous. The unknown variables matter. An unknown variable can turn an assessment in the complete opposite direction. That, coupled with the fact that information openly chatted about is information that is purposefully allowed to be chatted about. I’ve watched Rachel Maddow spill the beans on the Russians in such profound ways and I wonder who’s protecting her. Surely Putin must have people at the ready to slip something into her coffee. But this isn’t the movies, right? I understand that I’m exposing my unduly citizen mind. The one that would lead me to say, who would have thought such a thing could happen in this country. Actually, I’m not quite that bad. There are ugly places that my mind just doesn’t want to go though. My world is made up of the desire to have just enough to provide for my family and to live comfortably without threat, so I evade the worlds that orbit about my person and within my mind.

I caution myself to take the upcoming weeks, or months, one day at a time. I remind myself to be present each time I drift off and become unable to hear anything beyond the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Some days it’s as if I’ve crossed over into another realm without even knowing it. A realm that keeps me from embracing a beloved friend I happened to see on my once a week run to Costco. All we could do was shake our heads in apology for the absence of an embrace and give an awkward wave from six feet away.

To save myself, breath and patience have become my anchoring forces. They tether me to the world I knew. The world where my mind was free to not only think about going outside the walls of my home but, with a soft psshh through my teeth, making the adventure so. I intend to return, someday.

Posted in Social Commentary

This Week’s Discovery

My mother-in-law passed away in February of this year. Among the things she left behind, was her collection of books which I have been so eager to dive into. Now that all of her affairs have been settled, I plucked a book from the shelf by closing my eyes and grabbing the first book my hand landed on. It just happened to be The Joy of Living and Dying in Peace by The Dalai Lama. This is my “This Week’s Discovery.”

The book is 181 pages long and serves as an introduction to the idea of how to live life without suffering. It focuses on developing a disciplined mind by first recognizing that our minds are subject to ignorance, confusion, and misconception, all negative states of being. Then it shares the Buddhist approach to overcoming those things. I cannot go much further into any concepts or ideas right now as I’ve only completed Chapter 1 but it has been an inspiring read so far.

It’s fascinating to me that this book is the one that I came to because the question of how to live without negativity has been a prevailing question throughout my life. As of late, it has had a strangle-hold on my consciousness. The primary motivator of the negative emotions I experience these days, have a great deal to do with exposing myself to news media as well as social media. At times, it gets to be an obsession. When I feel the obsessiveness becoming too toxic, I am able to pull back from engagement and try to balance out the negative energy by seeking ways to positively connect with people or to share more positive, funny, and inspiring posts or articles. It’s important to be engaged with news and social media in order to stay informed, but it is a constant battle not to drown in the vitriol, gossip, and negativity.

As I read this book, my goal is to remain focused on the ideas presented because so far, what I’ve read has resonated with me in a positive way.

Now, I’m not of a religious nature. This means that I have no desire or compulsion to rep any religious order. I do believe; however, that my spirit, made up of a cycle of energy that governs my thoughts, has to be fed through a quest for understanding. I’m stating this here as a reminder to myself not to move beyond the pages of the book to seek out information on the person through which the resonating ideas have come. The ideas are what I’m interested in. Not the Dalai Lama. He is no more of a human being than I am. He is filled with as many good qualities and flaws as I am and it is too easy for me to allow human flaws block the ideas that could prove to be helpful in my life’s journey.

In closing, another wonderful discovery I made this past week is brevitymag.com! This site publishes 750 word essays by new and established writers. They also have a wordpress blog for writers to connect and share ideas.

Posted in Social Commentary

This Week’s Discovery

Each week I’ve decided to post something new that I’ve come across. It could be anything from a new concept or idea, to something more tangible like what I’ve chosen to share as my very first This Week’s Discovery. I hope you check out my discoveries and give me some feedback when you do.

This week’s wonderful discovery is Larry Wilmore’s “Black on the Air” podcast! I’ve missed Larry’s voice since his show was cancelled on Comedy Central leaving me to wonder why Tosh.0 seems to have an unnecessary lifetime engagement. Please pardon the digression.

Anyway, it’s nice to hear Larry’s distinct voice as he interviews various people like Ibihaj Muhammad, the Olympic Fencer, or engages in random discussions with someone who fills in for a guest who was MIA and who tries to take Larry down the conspiracy trail of  JFK and the moon landing. That episode reminded me of the many discussions with my son who is so thankful to be “woke” about the Illumanti and Valiant Thor, the alien from Venus who worked in the Petagon. What do you even do with discussions like that? I generally find myself poochie mouthed, furrow browed and looking at him in silence until he says, “What? You just want to stay sleep mom.”

For anyone who doesn’t know Larry Wilmore, I first became aware of him on The Daily Show during Jon Stewart’s reign. His title on the show was Senior Black Correspondent. He would come on to provide a humorous “black perspective,” as if there is such a thing, on news events involving black people. He then branched off with his own show on Comedy Central called The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore that followed The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. It was a nice lineup on Comedy Central. Unfortunately, the Nightly Show was cancelled shortly after Wilmore’s, and I have to keep it one hundred, painful to watch performance at the White House Correspondence Dinner in 2016. He doubled down on his lackluster jokes by closing with a “tribute” to President Barack Obama by saying, “I’m going to keep it one hundred, yo Barry, you did it my nigga.” I located the video specifically to quote him and I still cringe when I hear it. I’m not going to get into the reasons why I feel that to be horribly wrong because it’s just something that will live on as one of those moments of the Obama era and possibly the unfortunate end to a very good show. Even in light of making the decision to use that term, which he totally owns and probably doesn’t totally regret, I find Mr. Wilmore to be smart and of course fearless. He’s someone I’d love to be in  a room with and just talk about all of the latest political events of the day. He’s been resilient since the cancelation of his show. He has his executive producing hands in the brilliant “Insecure” with Issa Rae on HBO and helped to launch Black-Ish. Prior to those recent accomplishments, Mr. Wilmore had developed a long list of writing creds, including the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and In Living Color. The man is clearly talented and I’m so happy to be able to reconnect with him through his podcast.

Below is a picture of Larry Wilmore (Center) with my husband and our wonderful cousin Julie.

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Posted in Political, Social Commentary

Hysteria

two apples on the board
Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

The time is now. Yet, we sit frozen, waiting for the monster to knock down the door. The moment that pulls us away from life today, into a tomorrow that makes yesterday a dream. Our ancestors know that feeling. We have that feeling in our DNA.

We hesitate from the speed and absurdity of it all. Which is reasonable, predictable, and why we will be overtaken and thrust into a world we thought we’d never know again.

It is not easy to decide to resist when uncertainty sets in. Information sources run 24-hours and have been made suspect. How seriously can one take a news source that reports on a missing plane as breaking news, for three months straight, and includes serious consideration of supernatural events and a black hole? Let alone a news source where 86% of the statements made in front of cameras are false or mostly false*?

The poor public, so far removed from being able to see for our own eyes. However, even when given the chance, the voices of fallacious debate builds cataracts. We wade through the chatter to determine the right thing to do. Ambivalence sets in or there is a hunkering down on one side or the other because someone said you must choose. Will it then become a matter of coming out on the other side with only your body intact or what’s left of it?

Yes, this writing is out of sheer hysteria. I am of the ilk who clings to words rather than guns when simmering in fear. We can come back from a misuse of words and I have no faith in any source to cause a finite ending of anyone.

___________

*Politifact.com